As you well know, April 12 is National Lawyer's Day, the day in which every American dreams of slipping and falling in front of the Radish Stack at Whole Foods and then hiring a lawyer to sue the bastids.
But because this crummy site did not even exist back when that day was invented ABS had no opportunity to post this Ad which he recently wrote to honor National Lawyer's Day.
But because this crummy site did not even exist back when that day was invented ABS had no opportunity to post this Ad which he recently wrote to honor National Lawyer's Day.
It was an Ad ABS submitted to the National Lawyers Guild (Commie Collective) and he has not heard back from them and so he is sure that, right now, they are dutifully trying to rewrite it and claim authorship.
In any event, this was my Ad submission to The National Lawyer's Guild for , "National Lawyer's Day."
The ad begins with a quiet piano solo in the background as the camera slowly brings into focus an 11 year old, freckled-faced, tow-headed boy, dressed in a T-Shirt, shorts, and flip flops. He is the sole person on the playground and he is half-on, half-off a Merry-Go-Round, pushing himself around in circles.
After about 30 seconds, the kid jumps off the Merry-Go-Round and sits alone on a park bench. He scoops-up some rocks and begins to absentmindedly toss them at nothing in particular.
The camera slowly creeps in for a close-up and we can see he has been silently crying;
I'll never forget that day. It was Her Birthday and Mom wanted us all to go on a boat ride and so Dad drove us over to Lake Winnipesaukee.
(He throws a few more rocks)
There was me and Becky and Mom and Dad and Mom had packed us some fried chicken and potato salad for lunch and we were having a great time driving around the lake laughing and singing, " Happy Birthday," over and over and over.
(Pause. The Kid scoops us some more rocks)
And then Dad ran the boat into a dock and killed Mom.
(Pause as the kid starts throwing the rocks in a display of primal anger)
I know Dad says he couldn't see the dock because he was bent over the side of the boat at the time.
(Pause as the Kid engages in more angry rock throwing)
And the reason he was bent over the side of the boat was because he was throwing-up.
(Suddenly the kid stands-up and starts heaving the rocks as far and as hard as he can).
And the reason Dad was bent over the side of the boat throwing-up was because he was drunk.
In any event, this was my Ad submission to The National Lawyer's Guild for , "National Lawyer's Day."
The ad begins with a quiet piano solo in the background as the camera slowly brings into focus an 11 year old, freckled-faced, tow-headed boy, dressed in a T-Shirt, shorts, and flip flops. He is the sole person on the playground and he is half-on, half-off a Merry-Go-Round, pushing himself around in circles.
After about 30 seconds, the kid jumps off the Merry-Go-Round and sits alone on a park bench. He scoops-up some rocks and begins to absentmindedly toss them at nothing in particular.
The camera slowly creeps in for a close-up and we can see he has been silently crying;
I'll never forget that day. It was Her Birthday and Mom wanted us all to go on a boat ride and so Dad drove us over to Lake Winnipesaukee.
(He throws a few more rocks)
There was me and Becky and Mom and Dad and Mom had packed us some fried chicken and potato salad for lunch and we were having a great time driving around the lake laughing and singing, " Happy Birthday," over and over and over.
(Pause. The Kid scoops us some more rocks)
And then Dad ran the boat into a dock and killed Mom.
(Pause as the kid starts throwing the rocks in a display of primal anger)
I know Dad says he couldn't see the dock because he was bent over the side of the boat at the time.
(Pause as the Kid engages in more angry rock throwing)
And the reason he was bent over the side of the boat was because he was throwing-up.
(Suddenly the kid stands-up and starts heaving the rocks as far and as hard as he can).
And the reason Dad was bent over the side of the boat throwing-up was because he was drunk.
(He throws the last two of the remaining rocks with great ferocity and then, with his anger spent, the kid sits down)
With Mom dead and Dad in prison and all, I guess it was only natural that Becky got sad and hung herself but I sure do miss her.
(The kid stands as , in the background, slowly coming into focus we see this fat, disheveled, person, wearing Bib Overalls, come walking onto the playground)
Well. I gotta get going. Here comes my SCAG (State Court-Appointed Guardian). God I hate her. Her name is Danielle Rosenbaum and she teaches at the local Community College. She makes me call her Dr. Dan.
(The kid turns and walks towards his Guardian. And then he pauses, turns and faces the camera)
Dad was drinking Ballantine Ale that day. Some day I am going to become a lawyer and sue Chris Craft the maker of the boat Dad was driving that day.
(He turns and walks on...then pauses one last time. He turns and faces the camera)
Think about it, fools; Ballantine Ale? Nobody drinks that shit. They got shallow pockets. Chris Craft, baby. That's where the money is. Momma didn't raise no fool. See you in court, assholes.
Voice Over: "Little Joey is going to become a lawyer one day and then Chris Craft is going to pay. This Ad was paid for by The National Association of Trial Lawyers where Justice is not just a concept, it is an absurdity."