Monday, July 3, 2017

A frightening vision of Hell

It appears more than a happy coincidence that Amateur Brain Surgeon was graced with this vision just a week or so before Our Pope and Our Cross chose a Universalist to head the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

It was just after he had finished his exploratory surgery on a Spider Monkey at Lion Country Safari in Loxahatchee, Florida and was driving home that he was overcome with a cold dread and was forced to pull over to the side of the road.

And as he sat there, with the engine idling, a sensation like an early winter sleet in the Piemonte region of Vermont suddenly came upon him and ABS was soaked in a fearful icy sweat as he was given a vision of what Hell will be like.

Hell will be an endless political campaign with an unlimited number of candidates competing against all other participants with the winner becoming Satan's Secretary of shifty shenanigans.

Each candidate will have 500 years to give a speech outlining his agenda, after which Satan will   recapitulate a wickedly inaccurate summation of all the campaign speeches in a perverse presentation that will last roughly 15,000 years and if the voters do not remember, word for word, the summation, they will be thrown into Hell's Prison to be hectored about the evils of binary biology by Caitlyn Jenner.

Satan will then announce that the voting will take, roughly, 666 years and that during the voting a bit of seemingly unending entertainment will be offered - a nude Rosie O'Donnell will be bouncing on a Pogo Stick while the members of the Central Committee of the Communist Party play The Benny Hill Theme Song on homemade instruments as a zealous Zionist, Rabbi Shlomo Lipschitz, he of the lateral lisp and strong stuttering, will repeatedly read one sentence from The Talmud into a Bullhorn, sempiternally stumbling over the word, Alexandria.

After the voting is completed and tallied, Satan will take to the stage and announce, There have been voting irregularities and we must re-do the election.

This will happen endlessly for all eternity and it will all happen in the midst of an unquenchable and fearsomely fetid fire with the ceaseless screeching of liberal Senators demanding to be heard; Point of order, Mr. Satan; Point of Order...

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