A lot of readers ask, "ABS, why should we believe you?"

That's an irksome query seeing as how ABS has already established his Bona fides simply by being the first man in America to be prepared for a sneak nuclear bomb attack from North Korea. Now, obviously, if there is to be a sneak nuclear bomb attack from Korea, it is beyond question that there would be brilliant flashes of light, and prolly even loud scary noises.  Well, is there anyone else you know who has a welding mask ready to put on as his wife drives him to safety at Area 51 in the event of a sneak nuclear bomb attack so he won't be blinded by the brilliant flashes of light?

ABS was also the first man to photograph the mother of Casper when he spotted her at a train station in Cinque Terre, Italy.

ABS, famously, was the first scientist to prove conclusively that the woman known as Ann Coulter was actually Eb Dawson, the feeble-minded flake who worked as a handyman for The Douglas Family, on Green Acres. Once that show was cancelled, Eb fell into a deep depression and he became so despondent that he paid a doctor to mutilate his reproductive organs and he began to take massive amounts of estrogen and grow out his hair and the drugs were so powerful that he began to sorta look like a really skinny woman with an Adam's apple who liked having photos taken of her wearing short shorts while firing a rifle at a bird; I said, drop that worm, Turdus migratorius, that's my property !!!

It was also ABS, in a lengthy and carefully reasoned letter, who proved to the FDA that since the cancellation of Green Acres, the quality of farm produce has suffered a severe and drastic decline in quality.


And yet, apparently, that has not been enough to convince the public that every single one of his opinions are worthy of trust and respect, if not proving to be an occasion of sin - a dangerous flirtation with idolatry.

You want more?  OK!!!

So, read and it weep, dear reader, this is the proof that will convince you that ABS is who he says he is and can be entirely relied upon and trusted.