"The life of St. Teresa of Jesus of the order of Our Lady of
Carmel", 1916 by Saint Teresa of Avila, Reverend Benedict
Zimmerman O. C. D.
Our Lord shows St. Teresa the place which she had by her sins
deserved in hell. The Torments there. She narrates how it
pleased God to put her in spirit in that place of hell she had
deserved by her sins.
Some considerable time after our Lord had bestowed upon me
the graces I have been describing, and others also of a higher
nature, I was one day in prayer when I found myself in a moment,
without knowing how, plunged apparently into hell. I understood
that it was our Lord's will I should see the place which the devils
kept in readiness for me, and which I had deserved by my sins ...
The entrance seemed to be by a long narrow pass, like a furnace,
very low, dark, and close. The ground seemed to be saturated with
water, mere mud, exceedingly foul, sending forth pestilential odors,
and covered with loathsome vermin. At the end was a hollow place
in the wall, like a closet, and in that I saw myself confined. All this
was even pleasant to behold in comparison with what I felt there...
But as to what I then felt, I do not know where to begin, if I were to
describe it; it is utterly inexplicable. I felt a fire in my soul. I cannot
see how it is possible to describe it. My bodily sufferings were
unendurable. I have undergone most painful sufferings in this life,
and, as the physicians say, the greatest that can be borne, such as
the contraction of my sinews when I was paralyzed, without
speaking of others of different kinds, yea, even those of which
I have also spoken, inflicted on me by Satan; yet all these were
as nothing in comparison with what I felt then, especially when I
saw that there would be no intermission, nor any end to them.
These sufferings were nothing in comparison with the anguish of
my soul, a sense of oppression, of stifling, and of pain so keen,
accompanied by so hopeless and cruel an infliction, that I know
not how to speak of it. If I said that the soul is continually being
torn from the body it would be nothing,--for that implies the
destruction of life by the hands of another; but here it is the soul
itself that is tearing itself in pieces. I cannot describe that inward
fire or that despair, surpassing all torments and all pain. I did not
see who it was that tormented me, but I felt myself on fire, and
torn to pieces, as it seemed to me; and, I repeat it, this inward
fire and despair are the greatest torments of all.
Left in that pestilential place, and utterly without the power to
hope for comfort, I could neither sit nor lie down: there was no
room. I was placed as it were in a hole in the wall; and those
walls, terrible to look on of themselves, hemmed me in on every
side. I could not breathe. There was no light, but all was thick
darkness. I do not understand how it is; though there was no
light, yet everything that can give pain by being seen was visible.
Our Lord at that time would not let me see more of hell. Afterwards
I had another most fearful vision, in which I saw the punishment of
certain sins. They were most horrible to look at; but, because I felt
none of the pain, my terror was not so great. In the former vision
our Lord made me really feel those torments, and that anguish of
spirit, just as if I had been suffering them in the body there. I know
not how it was, but I understood distinctly that it was a great
mercy that our Lord would have me see with mine own eyes the
very place from which His compassion saved me. I have listened
to people speaking of these things, and I have at other times dwelt
on the various torments of hell, though not often, because my
soul made no progress by the way of fear; and I have read of the
diverse tortures, and how the devils tear the flesh with red-hot
pincers. But all is as nothing before this; it is a wholly different
matter. In short, the one is a reality, the other a picture; and all
burning here in this life is as nothing in comparison with the fire t
hat is there.
I was so terrified by that vision,--and that terror is on me even
now while I am writing,--that though it took place nearly six years
ago, the natural warmth of my body is chilled by fear even now
when I think of it. And so, amid all the pain and suffering which
I may have had to bear, I remember no time in which I do not think
hat all we have to suffer in this world is as nothing. It seems to me
that we complain without reason. I repeat it, this vision was one of
the grandest mercies of our Lord. It has been to me of the greatest
service, because it has destroyed my fear of trouble and of the
contradiction of the world, and because it has made me strong
enough to bear up against them, and to give thanks to our Lord, who
has been my Deliverer, as it now seems to me, from such fearful and
everlasting pains.
Ever since that time, as I was saying, everything seems endurable in
comparison with one instant of suffering such as those I had then
to bear in hell. I am filled with fear when I see that, after frequently
reading books which describe in some manner the pains of hell, I
was not afraid of them, nor made any account of them. Where was I?
How could I possibly take any pleasure in those things which led
me directly to so dreadful a place? Blessed for ever be Thou, O my
God! and, oh, how manifest is it that Thou didst love me much
more than I did love Thee! How often, O Lord, didst Thou save
me from that fearful prison! and how I used to get back to it contrary to Thy will.
It was that vision that filled me with the very great distress which
I feel at the sight of so many lost souls, especially of the
Lutherans,--for they were once members of the Church by
baptism*