Meet The Beadles

The Cathedral-Basilica of St. Louis King of France in New Orleans is a great place to visit, especially for Confession after the first time you've visited Bourbon Street.

In any event, it was more than two decades ago that ABS visited there and after that visit, he began to read of its history

and he fell in love with the idea of becoming a Catholic Beadle ("Le Suisse") so he could march in Procession all decked-out in his fantastic uniform and, hopefully, get the chance to whack somebody in the back of the head after they fell asleep at Mass.

And years later, as he travelled throughout Italy, he remembered that old office and realised it is an office the Catholic Church must resurrect.

Many of the Churches in Italy contain priceless works of Art - gorgeous paintings by Caravaggio, Tintoretto, Reni, Titian, etc etc and in those Catholic Churches there is invariably a Guard - even when there are no crowds - to make sure nobody defaces or steals one of these priceless Art Treasures.

For instance, ABS and The Bride went to San Giovanni in Bragora (Venice) where Fr. Antonio Vivaldi was Baptised and we were the only two people in that beautiful Church - except for The Guard - and he was kind enough to play for us some Liturgical Music that Fr. Vivaldi had written for Mass while he was a Parishioner there; Yes, it was so ethereal and ineffable that it made ABS spill tears.

And after we left the Church, ABS lectured The Bride about the necessity of The Church resurrecting the Office of The Beadle so it could protect the Mass - which is infinitely more important than 10 quadrillion Caravaggio paintings - and she said, "Do you think we can make it to The Mercato Market before it closes?"

So, here is ABS' pitch to any Bishop reading this crummy blog.

You know the Holy Sacrifice of The Mass is the single most important act taking place at any moment on this Planet and you know it is of infinite value; far more valuable than all of the gold, far more valuable than any other precious metal ever discovered; far more valuable than all of the Catholic Art ever created; far more valuable than all of the Cathedrals ever built or that will ever be built; it is even more valuable than finding Common Ground with the enemies of the Church.

So, ABS is offering his own self for hire. He wants no money but does want a uniform like the one described at the link posted and he wants one Extra Ordinary Form Mass offered in your Cathedral, on a Sunday, at a regular time; say, 10:00 A.M.

Hire ABS as your Beadle and he will stand his post at your Cathedral willing and able to whack in the back of the head any Priest exiting the Sanctuary after Mass who has changed one word of the approved text of The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

As ABS whacks him in the back of the head, he'll say, Padre, show me in Sacrosanctum Concilium where you derive the authority to change one word of the Mass? 

What's that; why is ABS striking you? It is because you are a thief. What you are doing is worse than Simony - at least a Simonist is engaged in commerce.

If any of your Parishioners are talking about the great deal they got on a Deep Fat Fryer at BJ's instead of preparing themselves for Mass, they will never again do that after ABS whacks them in the back of the head and whispers; What'n'hell's wrong with you? This is a Church Consecrated to the Holy Worship of Our Triune God. If ya think it is more important to talk about your latest purchase or if'n'ya wanna talk about the results of Uncle Louie's Colonoscopy, head back out into the Parking Lot, Capiche?

Think about it, Bishop. Deep in your heart, you know ABS is right.

All we need is love. And This Beadle can bring it.

* Yes, thank you for asking; ABS really did send this proposal to his Bishop in exactly this form - except he used his real name, address, phone number, etc.

Um, no; no, ABS never received a call back...