Here in Fulton, at Saint Prejean's, we have a gawdawfull load of folks careening around the Faltar as they vie to be first in line to receive communion in the hand from our Presider, "Just call me Bob, I'm not your father," Robert because he who is the first to muckle onto the host is also the first to get the cup and then gets to stand next to Presider Bob to give the cup to the all of the people coming up to receive.
And everyone receives at Saint Prejean's every week but, I am told, it is really cool to stand next to Presider Robert because you can pick up tips on what to say when you hand somebody the cup to take a slurp.
I have this lady friend, Skeeter (have you ever noticed that every small Florida town has crackers nicknamed Skeeter or Booger? I think it is a law) who often wins the competition to stand next to Presider Robert and she tells me that he has cute little sayings for almost everyone who receives from him; "Body of Christ, Charlotte. I love your new Chevy with the spinners; Body of Christ Harold, hope the Jaguars win today" etc etc
Skeeter says she was told by Presider Robert that it is that small town touch that entices believers to keep coming back for the Sunday services but, I dunno, I think that sort of behavior kind of detracts from what Holy Communion is really all about.
O, and another thing about all of the folks who receive, on the way back to their seats, they all stop to pause a moment before the Stained Glass window of Susan Sarandon and they touch her toes and you can hear them saying, "The Church is wrong to allow Capital Punishment. I wish they would listen to you") and then as they all take their seats, the choir starts singing these two songs every darn Sunday; "Lord when you stood by the Seashore" and "We remember" and, I swear, one of these days I am going to pitch a fit and just start screaming for them to shut the hell up.
What can I do?
Flummoxed in Fulton
Dear Flummoxed in Fulton. ABS feels your pain but you will just have to endure the syrupy service and offer it up if you are not able to get to a Real Mass.
The Lil' Licit Liturgy is aught but an assault on all that is Good, True, and Beautiful, but, despite that ineluctable truth, it is, nevertheless, a valid and licit rite that does fulfill (in a minimalist way) our Sunday duty.
The trick is, finding a way that we can, on our own (for we are all on our own) make the time of Communion a time of a real advance on the path to Sanctification.
Here is what Amateur Brain Surgeon does. He has printed out this old school prayer and he brings it to the Lil' Licit Liturgy very Sunday and he prays it while turning a deaf ear to the crummy choir:
Invocatio
Post Communionem
O
Lord God almighty, thy blessed Son! who graciously hearest them that
call upon thee in uprightness, who knowest the prayers of those even
who are silent; we thank thee for thou hast deemed us worthy to
partake of thy sacred mysteries thou hast given to us, for fully
strengthening our faith in those things which we so well know, for
the preservation of piety, and for the forgiveness of our sins; for
the name of thy Christ has been invoked upon us, and we have been
joined to thee.
O
thou who has separated us from communion with the ungodly, unite
us with them that are consecrated to thee, strengthen us in the
truth, by the coming of the Holy Ghost, teach us the things we know
not, supply our deficiencies, confirm us in the truths we already
know.
Preserve
thy priests blameless in thy service. Keep kings in peace,
magistrates in justice, the air salubrious, thy fruits in abundance,
the world in thy almighty providence. Pacify nations that are waging
war. Convert them that are astray.
Sanctify
thy people; preserve thy virgins; keep in fidelity them that are in
wedlock; strengthen the chaste; lead little ones to mature age;
confirm the newly initiated; teach the catechumens and make them
worthy of initiation; and gather us all together into the kingdom of
heaven, in Christ Jesus our Lord.
To
whom, together with thee, and the Holy Ghost, be glory, honor, and
adoration for ever. Amen
And then He prays/professes that he believes, adores, hope, loves, and trusts in the Lord and asks forgiveness for those who do not believe, adore, hope, love and trust in the Lord and then he thanks his Lord and Saviour for humbling Himself to enter into the heart and soul of Amateur Brain Surgeon and he asks the light from light to burn away all darkness of sin and shadow in the heart and soul of ABS and to complete His work in ABS so Amateur Brain Surgeon will become the Amateur Brain Surgeon He desires he be rather than the Amateur Brain Surgeon always choses to be.
O, and it does help if you can depress P 7 in the Jukebox of your mind: