Dear Amateur Brain Surgeon

Dear Amateur Brain Surgeon. You know, sometimes it feels as though I can't win for losing (not really sure what that means) especially when it comes to the wife.

It seems like we get in arguments over the littlest things; for instance, I was sitting at my computer the other night doing some research when, suddenly, she comes barging through the door into the den and turns on the light:

"What n' hell are you doing, Bob?"

And I'm like, "Research.."

And she's like "Looking at those photos is research?" 

And I'm all like, "Yeah.." 

And she's like, "Looking at nude photos of Brigitte Bardot is not any research project I have ever heard of unless you are researching porn again; Gawd, Bob, you disgust me."

And so I kick it into high haughtiness and snarl, "Yeah, well maybe at that Community College you went to, you know, the one where you took Introduction to Physical Education but apparently never learned about burning calories, that Community College where you didn't study Fine Arts and learn about The Stendhal Syndrome?  Well, Miss Nosey, it just so happens I'm doing research on The Stendhal Syndrome. HA!!!"

And she just gives me this hurt look because I just called her fat because I was defensive that she caught me doing what I was doing and that made me feel really guilty and unworthy of her and I began to feel as cursed as a Transvaginal Mesh salesman who has just been diagnosed with Mesothelioma.

Can you give me any advice on what to do to try and make this right?

Signed, Flummoxed in Fussels Corner, Florida.

Dear Flummoxed in Fussels Corner, Florida.

First of all, Amateur Brain Surgeon thanks you for not including any photos with your letter and asking me to "please find enclosed.." because, as you well know, that just drives ABS crazy.


But, basically, you are screwed, Dude.  

The Stendhal Syndrome really doesn't jibe with looking at nudies of some babe; in fact, the real phenomenon is also called The Florence Syndrome  http://tinyurl.com/qavpfr3  and when ABS was in Firenze with The Bride, they spent hours in the Uffizi, they did not see one nudie of Bardot.

Don't ever look at porn again because it screws-up your brain  http://tinyurl.com/pj59k3o  and makes you a slave of Satan and the modern non-Confessional State (yeah, redundant).

Oncet, you loved you wife and you married her because you thought she was good, true, and beautiful.

She still is all of those things and so apologise to her for calling her fat and start to love her as you know God desires you love her.

What wife today can compete against nudies of Bardot taken when she was young and in shape?

Here is Bardot today. Every wife can compare favorably to her and ABS is not knocking Bardot but it is just that she is going the way of all flesh...  

When you see her photo, don't you almost expect her to start making a plea for money to help the poor starving kids in Africa because so much does she look like Sally Struthers?

Would anyone have ever have imagined that Bardot would end-up looking like Struthers or that Sally Struthers would have ended-up looking like Strother Martin?

mysterium vitae

Strother knows what your wife is thinking...

Look, man, we've all got to serve somebody and you serve God by loving *your wife as He intended you love her and if you even so much as think of filing for an annulment, ABS will come gunning for ya.

O, and one last thing. When it comes to telling others about a conversation you've had, never - and ABS means NEVER - use..and I'm like...and she's like...

T'hell is wrong with you, you sound like a damn valley girl.

QUIT IT!!!

* Love is an action not an emotion